…And Why We Didn’t

When we opened the Parenting in the Name of God series, we said this:

The intention is not to examine the life of Michael and Debi Pearl, or the lives of those who use their material. If the material stands, it must stand on its own merits, regardless of the imperfections of its creators or users. If it fails, it also fails on its own merit, without regard to the lives lived by those who use it. It cannot be condemned, nor can it be rescued, by genetic fallacy, ad hominem, or appeal to emotion: only by its relationship or lack thereof to truth. So, while this is a very emotional issue, it requires a careful, reasoned look.

Whether or not the Pearls are nice people or coldhearted spankers, and whether or not the families of Sean Paddock and Lydia Schatz were nice people, or angry spankers, misled or self-deceived, or any other such details, is not in view here.

The Why of It

There are a variety of opinions across the spectrum on spanking, breastfeeding, rewards and consequences, and the relationship of men and women within the marriage. Every behaviour (let’s face it, behaviour just means things we do) is a tool for seeking an outcome (we do things because we can reasonably expect results of some sort). On a range of events, you might look at it something like this:

VALUES FORMATION — BELIEF — INTENTION — ACTION — OUTCOME

Where only the last three components are considered, the core of the issue is never really addressed. We can argue back and forth all day about intentions, actions and outcomes, but without understanding how people’s values are influenced, and how their foundational beliefs are structured, we’ll accomplish little in terms of sharing knowledge and growth.

Good Parents and Bad Methods

I use the word “good” in a very generic sense, of course, not a theological one — that would be a whole other can of worms. For the purposes here, it just means parents who are a benefit to their children. However, notice already that we can’t even being to measure that idea of benefit without encountering debate, because it’s a value-based term. The instant trend is to go straight to arguing about what actions benefit children, to debate the value of intentions, and to dissect a surface layer of professed or assumed beliefs.

BZZZT. Timeout.

How can some parents get good out of a method that has bad traits? How can bad parents exist in a milieu of what we’d call “good” parenting philosophy? Because both happen. We’ve all seen it.

While the core of parenting revolves around intentions, the associated actions and outcomes are based not on those intentions, but the underlying beliefs. In order to understand how actions of a same base category could have hugely variant outcomes, we have to take a good look at what the tool (the action) is being used for.

The pattern is illustrated in a negative context in the book of James:

Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren.

~James 1:12-16

In being carried away, we see a shift of values. This is about Christians, people who have a commitment to God and a knowledge of His word. But James has already warned about a lack of strong-mindedness. While that kind of personality often gets reviled for being unsubmissive, troublemaking, divisive or uncharitable, being easily led is not actually a good Christian trait. It reveals a lack of faith, a preponderance of doubt. It’s a symptom of vacuum in the area where beliefs are meant to reside. As a result, the values are constantly being formed and reformed, and the troubled soul is like one tossed in the waves of the sea.

So, blessed is a person who sticks it out when their personal values are put under heavy pressure, provided those values are grounded in the character of God and loving relationship with Him. And then, an interesting thing: James warns specifically about making martyrs of ourselves for the cause of Christ. Yes, there’s the more blatant blaming of God for bad things. But there’s also the less blatant version, where God is “testing” us, and it’s up to our righteousness and Christian fibre to pull us through.

Considering how much James has to say about pride and surface goodness, I’m going to swing in favour of that one. That subtle ingress of pride is the key factor in the fall of Lucifer from heaven, if we read the metaphorical story of Isaiah 14 in that direction. Whether or not, though, we can see that in the story because we see it everywhere in the human story too. I will be as good as God.

The Best-Laid Plans

So subtly do the values reform, and so subtly does the foundation of belief shift. When lust for goodness–a deceptive, false kind of goodness–has conceived, it brings forth sin. And when sin is accomplished, even if it wears a garment of light, it brings forth death.

Evaluating one another’s parenting techniques and intentions is a slippery slope which leads to this very thing. Instead, we absolutely must ask questions about the underlying beliefs and their relationship to God’s word. We must take a look at how the values of a system of beliefs are formed. In what direction and by what forces are the beliefs reshaped by the teachings proffered? Is it in the direction of open and free relationship to God, freedom of conscience and conviction? Or are the values being shifted in the direction of placing one’s trust in the teachings or the teacher? Or even simply oneself?

The verse numbering divisions of the English-language scripture are not canon, but they do have an interesting quirk. Counted front to back and halved, this turns out to be at the center of them all:

It is better to take refuge in the Lord
Than to trust in man.

~Ps. 118:8