To Discern Good and Evil

At this time, we want to review the anecdotes offered by No Greater Joy’s articles and books of newsletter reprints.If anything, the theology of conditioned morality and holiness is fully connected in the object lessons and examples offered by the Pearls. We’ll see if we can trace the doctrinal threads of:

–revision of the moral nature of man
–revamping the nature of God
–restructuring the work of the Cross
–redefining human holiness

Rather than breaking it down by categories, we’ll look for any elements of these in several quotes.

You may ask, “If he is still motivated by selfishness, how is the conditioning going to be morally beneficial?” Though he [the child] may still be acting out of self-interest, you are causing him to exercise his own will to deny his passion. This will equip him for exercising self-discipline when his moral faculties are fully developed. The rod and your manipulation of his responses can’t force a change in the child’s heart. However, it can completely check the “evil” manifestations of his heart and serve him with a very teachable and disciplined body that is, regardless of the reason, exercising self-restraint. [emphasis in original]

~”Twinkie Twerp,” No Greater Joy Vol. 1, p. 4 (original article written Sept. 1996)

http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/general-view/archive/1996/september/01/twinkie-twerp/

Note that “evil” is in quotes here, reinforcing the concept that children develop a moral nature rather than having one at birth.The idea of a sort of conditioned (note that the specific word is used) pre-holiness is the stated reason for moral training.

Likewise, one of the better articles which advocates not breaking the child’s spirit is predicated on parental attitude and the idea that children only mirror what their parents model.

The law of condemnation and shame is such that it only produces more disobedience…your children will begin to develop positive character only in an atmosphere of forgiveness and acceptance…If ‘the joy of the Lord is our strength,’ then surely the joy of the parents is the strength of a child.

~”Bad Attitude,” NGJ Vol. 1, pp. 43-44 (original article written January 1996)

http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/general-view/archive/1996/january/01/bad-attitude/

While the above article closes with the idea that we must set the bar of obedience by what our children are willing to do, and slowly raise it in positive ways, we see it reflects the concept in TTUAC that parents substitute for God’s role in the child’s life until the child becomes morally aware. At that point, the believe-and-receive appropriation soteriology comes into play. The article, while phrased in relatively gentle parenting terms, is about developing the moral character necessary to salvation in the NGJ theological system.

Spanking is Only a Part of Training

…turn and walk away [from a child who has screamed to make a request known to the parent]. If she were to scream again, turn back and give her a spanking and then proceed to the house without her. If for some reason you are prevented from spanking (someone else’s child, you are a foster parent, you are in a very public place, etc.), then just the denial of her desires will suffice to eventually stop the screaming–since it is the most necessary part of the training experience.

~”The Volleyball Bawler” NGJ Vol. 1, p. 28 (written Sept. 1995)

http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/general-view/archive/1998/january/01/the-volley-ball-bawler/

So why are we to spank in this situation, then, exactly? In their article on “Screaming,” (NGJ Vol. 1 pp. 25-26) the Pearls advocate spanking first and asking questions later, because the child must be constrained from the disapproved behaviour, regardless of what another child in the room may have done to cause the screaming.

In “The Emotional Squeeze,” the Pearls reference a family with “very obedient and pleasant” children, apparently being raised according to the NGJ method. However, one child’s problem is that

[The] little three-year-old girl seems to be fearful and anxious when disciplined. She seems to withdraw into an “I’m being hurt mood.” There is no rebellion. There is instant compliance. When spanked, she stands rigid and stoically accepts her “just due.” Afterward she looks anxious and fearful…

So I asked the mother, “Does she begin to be withdrawn and hurt before the spanking?” “Yes, as soon as I begin to talk to her, she acts like she is going into some kind of a trance or something. She just acts like it is hurting her so much to be rebuked. If I tell her to stop crying, she does. If I tell her to smile, she does, but I don’t feel like I am getting through to her soul.”

Just to make sure of what I already believed, I asked, and she assured me, that she was spending time building her child up as a worthy and valuable member of the family…

In such a situation as this, my first thought is to search out any emotional or physical abuse. That trance-like, non-resistant submission is symptomatic of a child scared to death. That not being a possibility here, I was puzzled until she told me that the child began to withdraw as soon as the lecture began.

~”The Emotional Squeeze” NGJ Vol. 1 p. 17

http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/general-view/archive/1995/july/07/emotional-squeeze/

We note that there is recognition of the symptoms of abuse by the Pearls. However, the article goes on to blame it on the mother for being excessively emotional — not casual and smiling (joyful) enough about the discipline/punishment administered.

This is combined with other articles which instruct mothers not to pick up their crying 3-month-old/9-month-old babies[1] — only pick them up or give them attention when they’re already content (reinforcing joyfulness). Another recommends that if an 18-month-old refuses to get in the car seat compliantly, the child be left with a babysitter every day while the mother goes out and comes home making a big deal of how much fun she had, and isn’t it too bad the child couldn’t come along. On the one hand, emotional manipulation is decried, and on the other, promoted. The car seat child is to be spanked five lashes for not complying immediately, and this to be repeated as many as three or four times, according to the article, before the child is left with the sitter. Finally, if compliance is not achieved after two weeks of going out regularly to convince the child of what they’re missing,

In the unlikely possibility that she continues to refuse, after say two weeks, take the car seat inside the house and tell her to get in. If she refuses, calmly use minimal force to strap her in. Designate a length of time that she must sit there, and let her out when the time is up. Try to make it long enough for her to tire and cease rebelling (two or three hours). It is most effective if she is in a state of surrender when she is released. Repeat this until she grows out of the car seat or until she willingly gets in.

As with potty training of newborns[2] (elimination communication), here the Pearls have to instruct their followers not to use excessive force. (Why?) Interestingly, here we have a conflict of information. In the web article, the next paragraph states, “We have taken this thing to the absurd. You will never have a small child who continues her rebellion once she is convinced that it is futile.”

In the book (the 4th printing, 2001), the next paragraph reinforces NGJ moral theology, the Pearls’ perspective on God’s authoritarian nature, and the demands of perfect Christian holiness. In spite of 5 years between the original and this printing, no caveat of absurdity is given for the forcible confinement strategy suggested:

Remember, your strategy goes beyond the obvious fact that you are bringing such constraining circumstances that she eventually surrenders her will. Your main objective is to convince her of the nature of authority. Through your former inconsistency, Suzy came to believe that all authority was subject to manipulation–that through steadfast defiance she could gain the upper hand. You have taught her to respect authority. Now her soul can heal in the security that calm authority provides.

~”Sitting Down Inside,” NGJ Vol. 1, pp. 85-86 (original article written Aug. 1996)

http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/general-view/archive/1996/august/01/sitting-down-inside/

The emphasis on authority and discipline is related to the Pearls’ view of God and relationship to Him. Their view of God’s nature, expressed through the Cross and salvation, is that one who fails to live out the appropriated moral standards of Christ may never have been saved, and (if “fallen away”) can never return to repentance.[3] It all depends on the adult’s appropriated ability to be holy.

What if you neglect your children’s training? Certainly we cannot expect children to be automatic Christian gentlemen and ladies. Yes, children benefit the most from proper training. There is no alternative.

If you are the parent of a teenager who is in rebellion, you may feel that I have been hard on you. You scream, “Don’t just tell me what a failure I have made. Tell me what to do to make it right.” I am hard on you because there is nothing you can DO to make it right. There are no external principles, no tricks to making it all right. I am hard on you because your greatest need is to repent. You need a broken heart. You need to face the fact that it is all your fault.

~”Training Fleshy Flesh”

http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/general-view/archive/1998/april/01/training-fleshy-flesh/

Note the connection here between the disobedient adult’s alleged bratty scream and the previous articles on training screaming out of a child. The implication is that the adult here is living in defiance of authority, and therefore so is their teenager.

Where children fail to thrive — whether resorting to defiance against the methods espoused by NGJ, or withdrawing into crushed compliance, the fault and failing is placed on the parent’s disobedience — lack of consistency, emotional weakness, over-mothering (particularly of sons, where it’s alleged[4] that the mother becomes an unfit teacher by the time a boy is 13 to 14, and either his homeschooling education should all but cease or be completed by the men), or the untrained nature of the parent in need of repentance.

Conclusion

Even the articles which advocate moderation, kindness and gentleness are shaped by the moral theology of NGJ. These things are cast as tools for training, and their inherent, unconditional value is minimized as a result. As such, while some principles may intersect on the surface with the ideas of genuine biblical Christian living, the underlying concepts taken as a whole have the potential to produce much confusion, conflict, pain and negation of the Scripture’s teaching on true Godly character.

For those who believe in spanking their children, we highly recommend seeking alternate resources and avoiding these ones. For those who do not spank, we suggest that parents not feel intimidated by the beliefs of others. Every family is imperfect, but Christ’s work on the Cross is perfect. Every family will have its points of struggle, but Christ restores, heals and completes what is lacking in our human frailty. Regardless of how you choose to parent, there is no “best result” formula. As the parents of four diverse young personalities ranging from elementary to teen, we can say that it’s always changing, always a journey. God is the one unchanging, certain factor.

There are much worse things a parent could do than to find themselves in the middle of a journey to discover their own parenting convictions. If you are uncertain about your convictions, and find yourself in the process of molding them, fear not: He will never leave you, nor forsake you. (Heb. 13:5) We encourage you not to covet the claimed certainty of various ministry tools, whether NGJ or any other, but be content to let God cause your growth. Ask in faith, stay in the Word, seek healthy community, and know that our God shall supply all your needs — not because of what you choose, but because of who He is.

God richly bless you, beloved one.

~Dave and Cat

In Memory

…of Lydia Schatz, and with compassion for where her parents must stand as a result. Lest we forget: We are all the chiefest of sinners. May justice be honoured, and Christ’s grace have the final triumph, to the glory of God.

Acknowledgements

Our thanks to Linda V., TulipGirl, Zooey, and writer/theologian Marc Schooley for consulting with us and providing research resources for this series. No one is an island. We are grateful for you.

Going Sharable

Over the summer, we hope to edit and expand this series into a free PDF e-book that can easily be shared with your homeschooling association or personal contacts. If time avails, we may also seek to create a paperback version, as some prefer to read that way. We will update Linda V. at whynottrainachild.com with how that goes.

Related Interviews to Come

While this concludes the Parenting in the Name of God series proper, we invite you to check back with us for an upcoming interview with author Hillary McFarland of Quivering Daughters. Ms. McFarland’s work is one of healing for women who’ve suffered spiritual abuse due to twisting of the fundamental biblical faith.

We will also soon be talking about intersecting social issues with Christian novelist Kerry Nietz. Mr. Nietz has carefully crafted a science fiction setting into a thought lab exploring multiple man-made religious ideas, including gender oppression, some of the twists of Islamic culture, and atheism/materialism. His two novels contrast these relevant topics with an outcast’s journey to discover God’s true nature.

We invite you to check out the sites of these two authors, and consider using Hillary McFarland’s non-fiction information and/or Kerry Nietz’s non-threatening, fictionalized approach as signposts leading to dialogue and edification on biblical relationships with Christ, loved ones, and your surrounding culture.

[1] See http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/general-view/archive/1996/january/07/training-at-3-months/ and http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/general-view/archive/1998/january/01/volley-ball-no-bawler/

[2] See “Potty Training Answered,” NGJ Vol. 1, pp.10-11, http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/general-view/archive/1996/june/07/potty-training-answered/

[3] See the Pearls’ doctrinal statement and compare verses to statements on salvation and sanctification/Christian living.

[4] See “Pubermania,” NGJ Vol. 1, pp. 57-61, http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/general-view/archive/1996/march/01/pubermania/ “When a young man (going through puberty) experiences this change, it is time for him to be engaged in hard work with the men. It is against nature to place a developing young man in the care of his mother.”